dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Sorry about my life...
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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