I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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