if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
it's not cheating when I paid for it
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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