My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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