made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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