I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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