I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
