well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
