I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
