I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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