Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
