i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
