I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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