my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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