You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
