It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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