I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
