happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
