I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
