how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
