Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
