He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
