A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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