If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
