I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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