Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
