I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I will be naked everywhere
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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