drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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