I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
