I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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