I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
