He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
