We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
