So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
