bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Randomize
