fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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