who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
