When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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