I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
