i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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