I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
