things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Randomize
