Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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