Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize