I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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