I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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