my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
