Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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