I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
