yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm just crazy horny about you
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
as a side note pls kill me
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