I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
