This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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