if i can run in heels then i can drive
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize